i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
