i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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