that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
NoShamevember. You game?
I AM VODKA MAN
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
this is an emotional support booty call
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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