it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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