Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize