So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Small penises have feelings too.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
