How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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