Betty ford says i'm here all night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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