I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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