He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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