I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she was so not down for the gang bang
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
