I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
