My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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