just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
