Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
