I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
