WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
