The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
