This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
