i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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