Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
