he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
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i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
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Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk