Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
