you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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