I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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