I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
