I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
