we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
