I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
