Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
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I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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