I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
