Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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