he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
