A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
