i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
