was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
