this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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