Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
