I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
