I think my fart just growled at me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
