I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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