In the future we'll all be gay
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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