I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
