Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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