My balls are so social today.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
