I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
