I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
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stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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