i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
