i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
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I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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