I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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