We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
