So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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