A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
