i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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